


I Won't Feel a Thing

by freckledfoxes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel and Drug Use, End!verse, Fallen Castiel, Future Castiel, Future Dean Winchester, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-18
Updated: 2013-08-18
Packaged: 2017-12-23 21:43:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/931403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freckledfoxes/pseuds/freckledfoxes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Warnings for drug use and suicide mention.</p><p>Inspired by "Give Me Novocaine" by Green Day.</p>
    </blockquote>





	I Won't Feel a Thing

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for drug use and suicide mention.
> 
> Inspired by "Give Me Novocaine" by Green Day.

Cas is leaning against the wall behind his bed, head tipped back and his lips slightly parted as he stares intently up at the ceiling, as if searching for answers in the cracks and smudges that he can barely see because his eyes are so glazed over. He needs glasses, he thinks. But where the hell would he get them now? It’s the end of the world. Why the fuck does he need glasses?

Cas chuckles then, an odd sound in his throat.

This is so much better than being sober. God, it’s so much better. He can barely feel a thing, other than the tingling sensation under his skin. It reminds him of being an Angel again. That’s all he wants. He wants his powers back. He wants to be his old self again. He wants the other Angels to take him back. He wants his family. He wants to feel useful and powerful.

Instead he’s confined to this human body that’s not even his own.

But for right now, with the poison swirling through his system, he can feel like an Angel again. He feels like he’s flying.

He can’t feel anything at all. He’s weightless.

“Cas?”

Cas’ eyes roll over to the door and he sees someone there, but he just grins and closes his eyes. He drifts along with the waves of his high, feeling so good and detached from this stupid human body. He’s floating and tingling like he use to. How had he ever loved humanity so much? How could he love this, being confined to skin and blood and bone, so limited compared to what he was before? It was disgusting.

_Castiel, please stop this._

Cas sighed and his head rolled slowly on his neck, dropping down to hang over his knees. An itch pulsed in the back of his mind, pushing and poking and scrambling into the front even as Cas tried to push it out.

Not now. He couldn’t do this to him now. Not when he was feeling so good.

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Cas grits out.

He can hear and feel Jimmy sigh. A short breath passes through Cas lips, forced out by the presence in his head. _Please, Castiel. You’re better than this._

“No I’m not.”

“Cas, what the hell are you talking about?”

_Dean is here. Look up at him. Get it together, Castiel._

“No. I feel good now. Shut up. Don’t ruin this for me again. You always do this.”

_This isn’t what I signed up for! Please! Castiel, please stop this. You’re an angel—_

“Shut up! I’m not anymore! I’m not! I’m not an angel!” Cas covers his ears and squeezes his eyes shut tight, shaking his head. He’s not an angel. He was a shitty excuse for an angel before, but he certainly wasn’t even close to the thing he once was now. He’s dirt now. Mud and dust. Flesh and blood and bone. His fragile bones are the reasons he’s confined to the bed right now. So easily broken,like the snap of a twig.

“Cas? Cas, woah! Jesus, what the hell is—Are you high again? Who the fuck are you talking to?”

_Castiel! Look at him. Please._

Cas gasps and shakes his head. “Shut up. Shut up, Jimmy. Please. Stop talking.”

“Jimmy? Jimmy’s still in there with you?”

_Castiel. This is my body, too. Please. Please stop this. Don’t do this to us. You’re better than all of this. Please. Look at Dean. Look at him. He can help you._

Cas blinks and takes a deep breath, but it makes him kind of dizzy. He looks up, and Dean is there in on the bed in front of him, albeit a little fuzzy. But he blinks away the saltwater that is stinging his eyes and he can see him more clearly. “Dean…”

“Cas, what the fuck did you take?” Cas can’t remember the last time he looked so concerned. Dean had been cold and distant for so long. It’d been years. After what happened to Sam… His Dean was gone. Lost to the trauma of losing his brother, to the nightmares that unfolded after Lucifer finally took his true vessel. Dean had hardened and turned to stone, detaching himself from everyone he loved before.

But his Dean was there in front of him now. He looked like the current Dean, but what Cas found in his eyes was warmth. It was gentle—worried. It made Cas uncomfortable. Dean didn’t need to worry about him. He’s useless. What does Dean care if he gets high off his ass? Maybe one of these days he’ll overdose and Dean won’t have to put up with him anymore. Cas could leave this disgusting human body. He’d probably end up in hell, but it was better than the here and now.

The old Dean would probably laugh at him, he thinks. Laugh and tell him he prefers him this way, no stick up his ass and whatnot.

_No he wouldn’t Castiel. Don’t try to justify what you’re doing. Please. Don’t give up._

He glares away from Dean and grits his teeth. “Shut up, Jimmy. Just shut the fuck up, _please._ ”

He feels a hand on his upper arm, gripping tightly. The touch grounds him, pulls him back down from his high a little. It makes him woozy and he takes a deep breath to stop his head from spinning out of control.

“Cas. Come on. You’re freaking me out. What did you take?”

Cas eyes roll back over to Dean and he shakes his head. “Don’t know,” he grumbles.

Dean’s mouth pulls down into a deeper frown. “You don’t even know what it was you took?”

Cas just shrugs. “Was a prescription.”

A hand moved to his forehead. “You’re sweating bullets, man. You better not fucking die on me.”

Cas chuckled at that and the hand on his arm tightened to the point of painful.

“S’not funny, Cas.”

Cas snorted. “Sure it is.”

Cas’ eyes widened when Dean gripped his jaw in his fingers tightly, glaring at him. It was not the glare of a man who’d lost his heart. This was his old Dean. He remembered that expression. He’d never been afraid of it before.

He kind of was now.

“You’re not now-you.” Cas blurted, eyes wide.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“What year are you from?”

_Castiel, I don’t think he’s been sent from the past._

“Cas, man. You gotta snap out of it, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Dean’s expression turned to one of concern again, his eyes flicking over Cas’ face quickly.

Cas shook his head and grabbed for the sleeve of Dean’s jacket, gripping it tightly in his fist until his knuckles turned white. “Don’t go. Please. I miss you.”

_Castiel—_

“Cas, I’m not goin’ anywhere.” Dean frowned at him and slipped his hand down around the back of his neck. It was warm where it rested and Dean gave him a gentle squeeze. Cas smiled a little. “You can’t keep doing this.” Dean said after a moment, staring at him in a way that Dean would have yelled at him for had Cas been the one doing it.

_Even he wants you to stop. If you won’t listen to me, at least listen to him. You always listen to Dean._

Cas blinked and took a deep breath. “No I don’t,” he grumbled indignantly. Having a mind of his own is how he got to this state in the first place, after all. Wasn’t it?

“You don’t _what_?”

_Stop talking to me, Castiel. Talk to Dean. Listen to him. Please. For both our sakes. This hurts me, too._

Cas shuddered and closed his eyes. “It feels better this way. I don’t wanna stop.”

“Cas, man… I need you sober. I—I need you. Here. This isn’t you.”

Cas looked up at Dean then, his vision clearing slightly. “It is now.”

Dean frowned deeply and shook his head, his fingers tightening around the back of his neck. “Cas, _please_.” Dean’s voice was soft, pleading.

Cas sighed and tipped his head back against the wall again, looking up toward the ceiling. A grin spread across his face then, but it felt wrong on his lips. He chuckled and it didn’t sound right either, but he couldn’t stop.

Dean just stared at him, his mouth hanging open and his eyes full of disbelief.

_Castiel, what are you doing? Can’t you hear him?_

“I don’t wanna talk to you,” Cas said simply, waving one of his hands off in some general direction.

There was a moment of silence, and even in Cas current state, he could feel the tension. It made his stomach turn. He let his eyes fall on Dean again and goosebumps rose on his flesh. The old-Dean was gone. There was no more warmth or concern on his face. Dean’s hands fell away from Cas’ shoulder and his neck, and Cas tried to grab for him weakly as he pulled away.

“Fine, Cas. You don’t wanna talk to me. That’s fine.”

“Dean—“

“Fuck you, Cas. Don’t forget your rounds again tonight.”

And Dean was across the room and out the door before Cas could say anything else. Cas licked at his dry lips and stared blankly at the spot Dean had been kneeling on his bed. His heart pounded wildly, making his ears ring.

_I told you not to talk to me, Castiel._

“Just shut the fuck up, Jimmy. Please.”

_He thought you were talking to him, and now he’s gone._

“I said shut the fuck up.”  
Jimmy fell silent in his head, but he could feel him there. The silence was uncomfortable and palpable and Cas was pulling at his hair before he even knew that his hands had found their way into it. He was so fucked up. So fucked.

_Let Dean help you. You helped him for years, let him help you now._

Cas didn’t answer him, just dropped his face into his knees.

_Castiel—_

“I don’t wanna feel anything right now, Jimmy. Please stop talking. Please just stop fucking talking to me. I don’t want to listen. I don’t want to feel.”

Cas swallowed hard and shook his head, but the action was not his own. Jimmy sighed in his head, his presence receding slightly.

 _Fine. I’ll leave you alone_.

Cas felt Jimmy’s presence disappear into the back of his head. It was quiet and there was nothing there. He tipped his head back against the wall again and took a deep breath, closing his eyes as he let the effects of the medication work their way around his body once more.

“Good. Alone is good.”


End file.
